


what have i done with my heart on the floor

by brittyelaine



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post-Episode: s14e12 Prophet and Loss, Self-Hatred, So much angst, canon-divergent, implied sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-10-10 06:48:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20523713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brittyelaine/pseuds/brittyelaine
Summary: Litost [Lee-toast]: “a state of torment created by the sudden sight of one’s own misery.”





	what have i done with my heart on the floor

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by (and title and song lyrics from) [“Litost” by X Ambassadors.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGr_cyThHkc)

_Swallow my soul, dragging me down. And there’s blood on the covers from the curses we utter to each other, you played your part… and this love like a hole swallow my soul, dragging me down and I swear I’d stay with you but I just can’t forgive you and I’ll never be whole again..._

_Let’s go home._ It’s a loaded statement. It always is with Dean. He knows it, Sam knows it, and Cas sure as hell knows it. When Dean glances in the rearview mirror and meets Cas’s eyes, there’s a silent understanding. To each other, the other is home. There’s an anger in Cas’s gaze, muddled behind pain and fear and love. Anger that Dean would so readily leave him behind. _Again._ But that’s the way of their relationship, isn’t it? Ten years of this vicious cycle. Self-hatred… unending loyalty… and crushing, soul-deep love. It’s the signature song and dance of Dean and Cas. 

If Sam notices the looks, he doesn’t say anything. For that, Dean is grateful. 

The squeaking of the Impala’s doors closing echoes through the garage, and Dean sighs heavily. He feels Cas’s eyes on him, even as he looks up at Sam, who’s watching him carefully. Like he’s afraid as soon as he turns his back, Dean’s going to take off again. “I’m good,” he says, holding up a hand. “We’re good.” 

Sam thinks on it a moment, then nods with a tight-lipped smile. Dean can see the sadness and fear etched into the tired lines of his face, and he feels the weight of sadness. He wishes he could take that away. He wishes his little brother hadn’t been dealt such a shit hand in life. But this is it. This is their life, and there’s no way around it. 

“Okay,” Sam says. “Okay. But, uh, I’m beat. So…”

“Go.” Dean nods toward the stairs. “I’m fine. I’m not goin’ anywhere.” He watches as Sam hesitates, then finally retreats with his bag slung over his shoulder. Dean grabs his own and heads for the stairs, Cas on his heels. He drops it on his bed as Cas closes the door, and Dean exhales slowly. He doesn’t turn to look at the angel; he’s not sure he wants to face that disappointment head-on.

“Dean…”

“Cas, I’m sorry.” His voice is strained and soft in the quiet solitude of his bedroom. Cas doesn’t speak, nor does Dean turn around. He hears rustling behind him, and feels Cas as he moves closer. 

“Dean, look at me.” 

Cas’s hand settles on his shoulder, and Dean swallows. Finally, he turns to meet Cas’s eyes. The angel’s jackets are draped over the back of Dean’s desk chair, and that perpetually crooked blue tie hangs loose against the bright white shirt. It’s moments like this; moments of casual intimacy that makes Dean’s heart ache with love. Cas doesn’t let his guard down like this for anyone but Dean. It’s too much, and Dean breaks, sinking to the edge of his bed with his head in his hands. “I don’t know what to do, Cas. I don’t… I promised Sammy. I promised you—“

Cas’s hands settle on his wrists, and he drops his hands to find Cas knelt in front of him. “Dean, look at me.” Cas’s hands find his face, his thumbs brushing his cheeks. “It’s alright. It will be _alright_. We will find a way. _Together._ I won’t-- I can’t lose you. You mean too much to me.”

“Ain’t no way outta this one, Cas.”

His words seem to spark a fierce resolve in Cas, and the muscle in Cas’s jaw twitches. “Yes, there is. There _always_ is. I believed it years ago, and I believe it now.”

Dean licks his lips and sucks in a breath, leaning forward as Cas presses their foreheads together. “Why?” he gasps, holding back tears.

“You are worth it, Dean Winchester.” Cas’s breath is warm on his face; his fingers buried in his hair. “I didn’t simply save you because God commanded it. I saved you because I saw your soul. I saw its worth. I saw you.” The words take Dean’s breath away, and the tears break free, rolling down his cheeks. Cas’s thumbs brush them away as he grasps Dean’s face. “I always see you.”

Dean can’t find words. He’s never been good with words, and now, especially… he finds none. He isn’t worth of this, he thinks. He isn’t worthy of an angel’s love, let alone _this_angel’s love. Cas always sees Dean, always loves him, but how has Dean repaid him over the years? By kicking him out when Cas needed him most. By not realizing Lucifer had possessed him. By letting his own blind anger get in the way when it truly mattered. By often-misguided rage he never knew how to control. “I’m not, Cas,” he cries. He sniffs and breaths in deep. “I’m not worth it. I’m not worth any of this. You shoulda let me go. You ‘n’ Sammy, you shoulda just--”

Cas tightens his grip on Dean’s face and forces him to look up. “Listen to me, Dean. I will never let go of you. For as long as I exist, I will never let go of you. You mean more to me than anything ever has. Don’t you see that? I love you, Dean. You cannot ask me to let you go. That’s not fair.”

“This isn’t fair, Cas. None of this is fair.” Dean works himself out of Cas’s grip and steps away, scrubbing his hands over his face. “Don’t you see?” he shouts, doing little to stop the tears now freely streaming. “I destroy _everything_, Cas! Everyone I’ve ever fuckin’ loved… I destroy them.” He jabbed a hand in Cas’s direction. “That—that angel, whatever the fuck her name was, she was right! The moment you laid your fuckin’ hand on me, Cas, you were lost! I’ve never been good for you!” He drops his head, practically sobbing. 

Cas advances on him, and Dean stumbles back against his dresser. “You and I both have blood on our hands. Often we spill each other’s. We have both done unspeakable things. But Hester was wrong, Dean. The moment my hand touched you, I was not lost. I was found.”

“Cas—“

“I am here by your side until the end of time. I will stay with you, no matter what you choose to believe about yourself. If you left, if you chose to die for the sake of sacrifice, I would never be whole again, Dean. You are what makes me whole.”

Though Cas’s face is mere millimeters from his own, Dean can hardly see through his tears. His heart aches, and his stomach is in knots. He simultaneously wants to end it all and wants to hold Cas in his arms and never let go. He settles for kissing him. It’s hard and heated and sloppy, but it’s everything he wants in the moment. 

His movements are heavy-handed and a little too forceful, but they fall into bed mostly unclothed, and desperately rid themselves of the rest. They move together until they break, and after, as the sweat dries on their skin, Dean’s sheet haphazardly tossed over their waists, Dean stares at the ceiling, counting the cracks in the cement. “I don’t believe you,” he breathes. 

Beside him, he hears Cas shift. The bed dips, and he feels Cas’s hair brush his arm. Turning his head, he finds Cas perched on his elbow, watching him intently. “What do you mean?”

Dean licks his lips, tasting Cas and the salt of his own sweat. He’s silent for a moment, and he shifts to settle a hand behind his head. “That I’m worth it. That you’re better off with me. I’m like a pit, Cas. And lovin’ me… it just swallows people whole and drags ‘em down.” He sniffs as tears well in his eyes again, and he can’t bring himself to look away from Cas’s beautiful face, illuminated only by the soft light of the lamp on Dean’s desk. 

“Dean.” Cas’s voice is rougher than usual. Dean can hear it. Hell, he can practically feel it. It’s wavering and full of emotion. And Christ, it breaks Dean’s heart. “I’ve been in a pit. _The_ pit. For you. I dragged you out of it. If loving you puts me there again, then so be it. That’s where I’ll remain. I would lay siege on Hell again and again for the remainder of my existence because even the briefest glimpses of this love… it’s worth it. Because loving you — being loved by you, Dean Winchester will be , and always has been, worth more than Heaven, Hell, and all of the cosmos.”

**Author's Note:**

> My goodness, it’s been a minute! I wasn’t all in all thrilled with this season, and I’ve been engrossed in working on original content, so fics got pushed to the back burner, but I was inspired to finish this one I started after episode 12. 
> 
> I’m rusty with fics and these characters, so I hope I did it justice for y’all! 
> 
> Come hang out on [Tumblr](https://brittywritesstuff.tumblr.com)!


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